A Renegade's Quest for Toilet Paper in These Post-Apocalyptic Times

Photo: ClickOrlando

I am not a man who plans ahead. For anything. Whatsoever. I'm what many would call a "go with the flow" kinda guy. It drives my girlfriend nuts. I'm not really all that good at thinking ahead for anything. When it comes to replenishing supplies, I typically wait until I am all the way out of something to get more of it. I wait until my gas tank is below zero before I even think about stopping at a gas station. I don't go out to get toilet paper until I literally don't have a square to spare (That's a Seinfeld reference for all of you amateurs who didn't catch it. If you didn't catch it, go watch Seinfeld. I know you're not doing anything else).

I never truly realized the error of my foolish ways until today — today, when I set out on a horrifying journey that I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. This, of which I am about to tell you friends, is the story of one man's quest for proper hygiene materials in these trying times we are facing. Enjoy.

First Stop: Wal-Mart Neighborhood Market

Photo: Business Insider

Okay, the first and probably most important takeaway from this stop is this: How the hell have I made it through 24 years of life without knowing that a Wal-Mart Neighborhood Market and a regular Wal-Mart are two drastically different things? Like, not even close to the same entities. To make matters worse, I've lived down the street from this one for almost 9 months now. If you're like I was a matter of hours ago and don't know, I'll offer you one piece of advice. STAY AWAY. Granted, no shopping experience is pleasant in this current climate. But this was downright unsettling for me.

Imagine walking into the shittiest grocery store you've ever been to and it has storage aisles like a Lowe's. That's the Wal-Mart Neighborhood Market. Only half of the lights in the store were on (I'm assuming to save money) and it had a "horror movie waiting to happen" kind of feel to it, almost like in that Stephen King movie "The Mist". Did you guys ever see that one? If not, don't watch it now. Way too depressing.

Up Next: Your Friendly Neighborhood Kroger

After the neighborhood market, I decided to go old reliable; Kroger. As you can see from the picture above, it was not so reliable.

Too little too late don't you think Krogs?

Let's Try Target!

Ah Target! Tarjay as we white people like to call it. I had such high hopes...

But alas, I was foiled again. I mean this is just a very sad like looking picture.

This whole quarantine, I've joked about how badly I want to purchase a Nintendo Switch. I think if there's any way I could productively spend my time in this isolation, it would have to be with the new Pokemon game. Every time that satanic system shepherds me into temptation, however, the good lord of reason brings me back to the reality of the situation; I HAVE NO CURRENT SOURCE OF INCOME.

Anyways, these empty aisles plagued me for a while. Three hours to be exact. Three Krogers, one Target, one CVS, two Walgreens, one Wal-Mart, one kind of a Wal-mart, and a Dollar General. Nothing to be found.

So I gave up hope. I decided I would just have to shower after every bathroom usage.

I went to my girlfriends to hang out (really to see if she had any extra TP laying around I could steal). As I was about to pull off on her street, I caught something out of the corner of my eye.

Outside the Walgreens. A man was exiting with what looked like toilet paper in his arms...

I had to pull in.

And it was true. Only 6 left on the shelves. I snatched up a pack. And honestly, surprisingly softer on my tushy then I expected it to be.

Looks like I won this round COVID. Thanks for playing.

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